Just a matter of time, now...

I got my Indian visa today. I am astounded by how quickly it was processed. Apparently getting a tourist visa is as simple as applying, no questions asked. I suppose it might not have been so easy had I not been applying from a Western country, but I guess those are the breaks. I'm not fretting nearly as much now. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday to get a tetanus booster and prescription for malaria pills. That's the only other formality before my trip. Everything else is finishing my readings, accumulating supplies and gear, and moving out of my apartment. I'm not really looking forward to the last thing, but I'll probably just sell as many of my books as I can bear to part with, and my bed. I don't really have anything else besides clothes, posters, and bags full of photo prints.

I'm going to India a week from Sunday!!!

Universal Cooperation

So, I've been bugging out lately. I'm behind on getting my visa for India secured. I also flew off the handle for a couple weeks at the beginning of the month and have overspent my preparation funds and now must humble myself and go running to the family with my tail between my legs asking for a few hundred dollars loan so I don't have to buy everything at the last minute, including paying for my immunizations. But I'm not particularly fretful. I know I can pull it together. I stopped binge drinking, and have been in communication with the study abroad coordinator, and she isn't impressing me with a sense of panic, so time, though short, is not up.

On that note, I'll be in India two weeks from today. Well, tonight. My flight leaves New York approximately 8:30 in the evening on July 5th and arrives in New Delhi approximately the same time on July 6th. I've been doing my homework for the trip, reading the assigned books. The first was the autobiography of the Dalai Lama, Freedom in Exile. The second, and more factually informative, is In Exile from the Land of Snows by John Avedon. It is enthralling despite it's density, and is putting the idea in my head of changing my thesis topic to something relevant to Tibetan studies. It makes sense, actually. Not only will I be studying very closely with my professors on this trip, but I will be interviewing Tibetans and submitting a final project at its conclusion, all of which can be tailored into a new thesis proposal, which I will have to submit at the conclusion of the summer. Plus, I am so fucking over my current thesis advisor that I no longer have any desire to work with him. So, establishing a strong relationship with my professor while I'm in India could hopefully lead to him agreeing to be my advisor in the Fall.

That's about it as far as the mundane happenings of my life presently. I have been jotting down some short creative pieces that will be forthcoming shortly.

Fucking A. Or D.

I love my friends. I really do. 

But sometimes I hate my life. I hate not knowing why I'm jumping through hoops at the circus called "College". I hate knowing that my Bachelors of Liberal Arts with a concentration in Religious Studies is going to be completely fucking worthless in the "real world". 

But, I suppose, looking on the bright side... I have all these experiences which will make for a very salacious and controversial book, or series of? That is why I withhold details here. So none you bitchez can steal my storeeez. Plagiarism is a real thing. 

Naught.

I am God and YOU are the Devil. And the Devil has power naught but to ignore God.

Where's the Bacon?

"Bacon's scream is the operation through which the entire body escapes through the mouth."
Deleuze

Filthy Black Poetry

Your darkness drains me. The negativity is what I find alluring. You are contrary and awkward and you FUCK FUCK FUCK me like the dirty BITCH I AM. You and I/we are filthy. I want to wash you just as much as I want to rub dirt on your chest, face, legs. I'll use my wolf's tongue to bathe the salty residue from your skin. I want to feel your darkness overwhelm me.

retrofacto

PAGE ONE
Crazy nights, bursting, bursting. Full of LOVE. It's bursting out of my eyes, my nose, my very pores. Seeping, seething, brilliantly exploding. poison magic potion. I can feel the train coming, and I'm eating the leftover coke out of my nose. It is making my LIPS TEETH AND TONGUE NUMB. I

PAGE TWO
I know I AM GOD and I KNOW you know it, too. Dear Lover, I see the suggestion of you everywhere. I have such a LOOOONG BROOKLYN! BOUND TRAIN RIDE AHEAD OF ME. Where are you, my man who is God? My man who is me. I'll know you by sight. I already know you by feel. I felt you very close me

PAGE THREE
tonight, but NOT QUITE THERE. I paid my overdue fine today. My requisite sacrifice. Trouble FOLLOWS ME AROUND. I don't ask for it. It just comes to me. I'm a magnet for CHAOS. I am actively S P I R A L I N G OUT OF CONTROL! This is both a blessing and a curse. Order only exists for me

PAGE FOUR
to fall apart. That is all order can do, by Nature. But necessity will bring us together. Dear Lover, I see the incomplete reflection of you in all these males but I don't recognize MY SELF (whatever that is) in them. Dear LOVER. I truly need you. I long for you always. You are always in

PAGE FIVE (non-sequitur)
MY DIVINE HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PAGE SIX
[[Blank]]

PAGE SEVEN
my true heart. I have a false heart which I wear on my sleeve, and a true heart that is locked deep inside me. I know how the the key must feel, but I have no idea what it will look like. No locksmith crafts a lock without a key. All the other men are just there to cut my teeth on.

PAGE EIGHT
The real deal is mysteriously lacking, absent. Lover, I'll know your lips, and they were NOT HIS. When I meet you, ALL OUR QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED TOGETHER. I FEEL FULL OF GOD=LOVE.

PAGE NINE
The magic train is on its way. I can feel it wanting to be here. I wish I had a guardian of the night with me. The Vampire has stuck his fangs into me. He drank my blood and has walked in my blood MY BLOOD. He has placed ME under his dark spell. He abuses me when I

PAGE TEN
beg for it, and only when I beg for it. I want to write filthy BLACK poetry to him.

No more wanting

REALIZE.

Swing on the Spiral

I have been acting out, out of control, swinging on the spiral... letting it carry me further and further out to I don't know where but I embrace the freedom of not thinking simply acting. Spinoza would frown on my passivity, but I'm allowing the entropy to tear down the facade of an ordered life.

I have a new adopted brother. I met him a week ago outside a reggae party. He was carrying an ankh and draped in crystal beads and Ethiopian crosses. He pledged to lend me assistance whenever I need it no matter where I am or what time it is. He calls me "goddess", "magnificence", and allows me to carry his ankh as a mirror. He also gave me a full bottle of frankincense oil. Friday I met him at Brooklyn Museum for First Saturdays. We spent all our time in the Egyptian exhibit, meeting the gods face to face and he agreed to let me wear one of his ankh necklaces until he saw me again and could make one for me. Afterward we drank Guinness out of coffee cups on the lawn and I met a bunch of his other brothers and sisters. They were nearly all wearing ankhs around their necks. I have never met so many true Egyptians. They all have beautiful locks, some of them with beads, feathers, and charms adorning them. Amazing, truly amazing. I will see my brother again tonight and we will dance to reggae again.

Last night I saw David Byrne for free at the Prospect Park Bandshell. It was incredible. Liz and I sat on a black sheet and drank Jim Beam and ginger ale and smoked and danced our way through the triple encore. I also made a new friend when Liz went to pee, an artist named James. We exchanged names and emails, and we are going to the Met on Thursday to see the new Francis Bacon exhibit.

I've been meeting so many beautiful, amazing people this summer. It makes me kind of sad that I will be leaving them for five and a half weeks. But there is little I wouldn't give up to go on this trip to India.

I still haven't stopped listening to Tool pretty much constantly. It's all I want to hear. Especially "Lateralus". Just watch this video if you're curious why.

I loved to despise him.

I've always had a fondness for vampires. Call it weakness. Call it lust. Call it what you will. It has always been.

But admitting it. When the vampire has had his fill? What then. Feelings of inadequacy. Feeling like your blood isn't heavy enough?

Knowing that it's too heavy. That it falls too hard. Drip drip drip. On the floor. Too heavy to drink up. Wasted drops. And you call yourself a vampire?

Games we play. I'm no good with games. I don't like rules. I play by my own. And where do they get me. Full of blood, bursting with blood, too much blood for those

vampires.

Drive them away. That's what my new brother says. He gave me the magic potion, and I anoint myself. What did I expect, putting the potion on my neck. No vampire will any longer draw near.

Such a fool, the girl who goes hunting vampires with a garlic necklace.


She bit herself, and opened a bleeding eye to guide her way.

drunk math

S: i hope she likes drunk people!

A: who doesn't?

S: sober people. i think it's a scientific law

S: like P^d*n+1=S+a*n+1

S: or, a Person to the drunk multiplied by (number of drinks plus one) ((because its always one too many))=a Sober person plus annoyance times number of drinks plus 1

S: pretty good eh? my problem with math was that i never found it interesting. it should have been like this.