Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Conversations with DJ, the third
Me (5:18:19 PM) : should i drink a hard cider or a pale ale?
d J (5:18:43 PM) : hmm
d J (5:18:48 PM) : hows that ole sea shanty go?
d J (5:18:57 PM) : cider before ale, barf in a pail
d J (5:19:05 PM) : ale before cider, legs open wider
d J (5:19:11 PM) : do you want to vomit or be date raped?
Me (5:19:18 PM) : can i have both?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Two of Cups [Light and Shadow]
Harmonious union of two
in cradled exchange,
the overflowing nectar of love,
nourishing them on their lotus seat.
Two cups splash like fountains in the hands of a loving pair. The smiling couple embrace on a lotus floating on the waters, primordial emblem of sanctity and creation. Both are nude and long-haired, and somewhat androgynous. Their nakedness indicates the holy simplicity of Eden, the freedom of the body and soul unencumbered, and the potential for the mysteries of love. Each figure holds out an overflowing cup of love and friendship. Their long hair intertwines above them in a graceful curve, then falls into the vessels like water into fountains. Waves of energy ripple outward from the point where their hair intertwines above their heads. All the pleasures of unity with another are here foretold, the ability and impulse to intertwine emotionally and spiritually with another. On the cups are inscribed the symbols of Venus and Cancer.
Meaning
Love, affection, flowing good feelings. The loving unity of opposites and compliments. Romance, courtship, and dalliance.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Death to the Tinman
A friend of mine turned me onto this short film by Ray Tintori. A really elegant and well crafted (and humorous and poignant) piece of work. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.
Watch Death to the Tinman in Entertainment Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
Watch Death to the Tinman in Entertainment Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
Monday, January 12, 2009
A Subconscious Mirror Image, Myself
A few nights ago, I had a dream. To be brief, in this dream I was hanging upside down, suspended by the left foot by a rope wrapped around my ankle. I was hanging against a wall from the threshold of a door, where normally a set of stairs would be constructed. However, past this threshold there was only a 90 drop to the floor below, and me hanging there.
When I awoke I recognized that the way I was suspended was exactly that of the Hanged Man from various tarot decks. The image above is from the Light and Shadow tarot, the most frequently used by me.
Just now, I finally got around to googling some information on the symbolism and interpretation of the Hanged Man. Those of you who know me know that I do not believe in chance, and that everything that seems like a coincidence is merely an opportunity presented by the universe to see through the veil of our mundane, over-rationalized experience.
Here is some of what wikipedia had to say about the Hanged Man. It is incredibly resonant with me, especially in light of my recent series of revelations.
The Hanged Man is a card of profound but veiled significance. Its symbolism points to divinity, linking it to the Passion of Christ in Christianity, especially The Crucifixion; to the narratives of Osiris (Egyptian mythology) and Mithras (Roman mythology). In all of these archetypal stories, the destruction of self brings life to humanity; on the card, these are symbolized respectively by the person of the hanged man and the living tree from which he hangs bound. Its relationship to the other cards usually involves the sacrifice that makes sacred; personal loss for a greater good or a greater gain.
Serenely dangling upside-down, the Hanged Man has let go of worldly attachments. He has sacrificed a desire for control over his circumstances in order to gain an understanding of, and communion with, creative energies far greater than his individual self. In letting go, the hero gains a profound perspective accessible only to someone free from everyday conceptual, dualistic reality.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Respite
While I was Indianapolis I was fortunate enough to come to several conclusions about the present situation of my life, and the dissatisfactions I have been struggling with for the past year.
First, that I need to live in a more natural setting. I need trees, big skies, water, and quiet so that I can think and feel clearly. I need these things for spiritual fulfillment. This lead me to my second conclusion: that I need to leave New York once I graduate. I have been chronically unhappy for the past year, and until I returned to Indianapolis, I couldn't figure out why. I changed my concentration, I moved around a few times, I struggled for a meaningful relationship, I took psychedelics and traveled through the stars... all to no avail. My depression and loneliness persisted. But after a few days at home, my mind had quieted and my spirit had calmed, and suddenly I could hear my thoughts and feel my feelings. The source of my unhappiness had nothing to do with the circumstances of my life in New York, but directly to do with the fact that I live in New York. The sense of uprootedness and alienation I felt was a consequence not of my inability to connect with others, but rather of the general disconnectedness inherent to living in this city. Alienation from others, from nature, and from myself had plagued me for months and months, and I convinced myself I was responsible. But being surrounded by trees, calm and quiet, seeing large skies with breathtaking clouds, I finally understood what was missing from my life New York could never grant me.
My third conclusion had indirectly to do with the others. After accepting the previous two facts, suddenly an opportunity presented itself. I ran into a man who I had not seen since we were children. Our siblings had been friends as long as we could remember, but time and circumstance had kept us out of each others lives for thirteen years. On New Year's Eve we reconnected, and spent the next four days savoring each others company while we had the chance. Never had a man looked at me in such a way. Never had a man's touched ignited such a powerful fire beneath my skin. Never had a man's kiss weakened me so much. Never had a man held me so close and spoken freely of his feelings to me. On the fourth day we had to say goodbye because I was leaving Indianapolis for New York. Never had I been so reluctant to go, so loathe to return to New York. We made assurances to keep in touch, whispered how we would miss one another, savored our final kisses and the warmth of each others eyes. And then I was gone.
Of course, we made no commitments to each other. Such a thing would be unfair to ask of either of us. Still, I can say the experience was valuable for one very important reason. In all of my failed romantic endeavors, I had always wondered what it would feel like to be treated the way I deserved... with adoration, respect, curiosity, and mutuality. As a being rather than an object. And I can safely say I now know that feeling, the ease and comfort that accompanies it. Over and over again I have wasted my time rationalizing my hesitations and ignoring my better judgment for the mere sake of attention and affection. And I was always left feeling foolish and undesired. No longer do I feel it necessary to spend my time always questioning a man's intentions, questioning my own interest in him, questioning always questioning, is this what it's supposed to be like? No. It's not.
So maybe our connection was real enough that it can endure the distance of our separation. There is a very real chance he will visit me here in Brooklyn in the spring. However, if it proves to have been a fleeting thing, as amazing as it was, I am still left with the fact of what we had. And I am willing to wait until I meet another man who stares at me with the same warmth and gentleness, whose gaze alone makes my stomach flip, whose touch electrifies my skin, whose kiss turns me to rubber, whose eyes meet mine and are not afraid or withholding. A man who is not afraid of his feelings, who has courage and confidence. I have received one of the most valuable lessons of my life, which will not soon leave me.
Lastly, I came to a conclusion after I returned to New York which follows from my decision to leave the city after graduation. I have reconnected with my desire to spend my life surrounded by books. I have long had an intuitive attraction to antique books and aged texts. I have long said that all I need to be happy are books, good company, and nature. So, I am getting serious about the idea of becoming a literary archivists. I have not done any research yet, but inevitably I would have to get a masters in library science. Yes, that's right. I am almost entirely certain that I will become a librarian. For the first time in my life I can foresee a future with a career, and it does not terrify me. And I can pursue it practically anywhere. The relief is intoxicating.
First, that I need to live in a more natural setting. I need trees, big skies, water, and quiet so that I can think and feel clearly. I need these things for spiritual fulfillment. This lead me to my second conclusion: that I need to leave New York once I graduate. I have been chronically unhappy for the past year, and until I returned to Indianapolis, I couldn't figure out why. I changed my concentration, I moved around a few times, I struggled for a meaningful relationship, I took psychedelics and traveled through the stars... all to no avail. My depression and loneliness persisted. But after a few days at home, my mind had quieted and my spirit had calmed, and suddenly I could hear my thoughts and feel my feelings. The source of my unhappiness had nothing to do with the circumstances of my life in New York, but directly to do with the fact that I live in New York. The sense of uprootedness and alienation I felt was a consequence not of my inability to connect with others, but rather of the general disconnectedness inherent to living in this city. Alienation from others, from nature, and from myself had plagued me for months and months, and I convinced myself I was responsible. But being surrounded by trees, calm and quiet, seeing large skies with breathtaking clouds, I finally understood what was missing from my life New York could never grant me.
My third conclusion had indirectly to do with the others. After accepting the previous two facts, suddenly an opportunity presented itself. I ran into a man who I had not seen since we were children. Our siblings had been friends as long as we could remember, but time and circumstance had kept us out of each others lives for thirteen years. On New Year's Eve we reconnected, and spent the next four days savoring each others company while we had the chance. Never had a man looked at me in such a way. Never had a man's touched ignited such a powerful fire beneath my skin. Never had a man's kiss weakened me so much. Never had a man held me so close and spoken freely of his feelings to me. On the fourth day we had to say goodbye because I was leaving Indianapolis for New York. Never had I been so reluctant to go, so loathe to return to New York. We made assurances to keep in touch, whispered how we would miss one another, savored our final kisses and the warmth of each others eyes. And then I was gone.
Of course, we made no commitments to each other. Such a thing would be unfair to ask of either of us. Still, I can say the experience was valuable for one very important reason. In all of my failed romantic endeavors, I had always wondered what it would feel like to be treated the way I deserved... with adoration, respect, curiosity, and mutuality. As a being rather than an object. And I can safely say I now know that feeling, the ease and comfort that accompanies it. Over and over again I have wasted my time rationalizing my hesitations and ignoring my better judgment for the mere sake of attention and affection. And I was always left feeling foolish and undesired. No longer do I feel it necessary to spend my time always questioning a man's intentions, questioning my own interest in him, questioning always questioning, is this what it's supposed to be like? No. It's not.
So maybe our connection was real enough that it can endure the distance of our separation. There is a very real chance he will visit me here in Brooklyn in the spring. However, if it proves to have been a fleeting thing, as amazing as it was, I am still left with the fact of what we had. And I am willing to wait until I meet another man who stares at me with the same warmth and gentleness, whose gaze alone makes my stomach flip, whose touch electrifies my skin, whose kiss turns me to rubber, whose eyes meet mine and are not afraid or withholding. A man who is not afraid of his feelings, who has courage and confidence. I have received one of the most valuable lessons of my life, which will not soon leave me.
Lastly, I came to a conclusion after I returned to New York which follows from my decision to leave the city after graduation. I have reconnected with my desire to spend my life surrounded by books. I have long had an intuitive attraction to antique books and aged texts. I have long said that all I need to be happy are books, good company, and nature. So, I am getting serious about the idea of becoming a literary archivists. I have not done any research yet, but inevitably I would have to get a masters in library science. Yes, that's right. I am almost entirely certain that I will become a librarian. For the first time in my life I can foresee a future with a career, and it does not terrify me. And I can pursue it practically anywhere. The relief is intoxicating.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
from APOD
beautiful high speed video of the skies
túrána hott kurdís by hasta la otra méxico! from Till Credner on Vimeo.
túrána hott kurdís by hasta la otra méxico! from Till Credner on Vimeo.
Monday, January 5, 2009
homesick
Being back in New York feels strange. I hesitate to use the term "home" now when I refer to it. I no longer know where that place is that home is supposed to be.
No, I know where it is. But it is not a place where I can pack up and move to. It is only a place where I can be. In your arms, my head nestled against your chest, hair bristling against my cheek. Our limbs entwined, our skin glowing red and melting into each other. Your kisses peppering my salty forehead and cheeks and nose and ears. You and I in our nakedness, pressing as near together as we could, and still you whispered "I can't get close enough to you."
And here I am, far away from you, sitting alone in my large empty bed. In the darkness of early morning, alone. The sounds outside my window seem so harsh and foreign and unrelenting. The sense of ease I felt with you lingers in my memories and yet here I am. Restless. Longing. Homesick.
I miss you already.
No, I know where it is. But it is not a place where I can pack up and move to. It is only a place where I can be. In your arms, my head nestled against your chest, hair bristling against my cheek. Our limbs entwined, our skin glowing red and melting into each other. Your kisses peppering my salty forehead and cheeks and nose and ears. You and I in our nakedness, pressing as near together as we could, and still you whispered "I can't get close enough to you."
And here I am, far away from you, sitting alone in my large empty bed. In the darkness of early morning, alone. The sounds outside my window seem so harsh and foreign and unrelenting. The sense of ease I felt with you lingers in my memories and yet here I am. Restless. Longing. Homesick.
I miss you already.
post-date: 12/29/08
The skies have been drawing me upward. Their breadth sweeps over me like the universe is breathing into me. The clouds, the clouds absorb me into them, carrying me out of my so-called self. They are my greatest comfort here, followed by the stars. When they are low and grey and billowy, yet they sweep along on the wind, stretch and smoothed and shaped into new forms. The winds lift my hair and caress it as it passes, until it returns again. At night when I fall asleep, I cast my dream net out the window to lasso all the secrets hiding within the stars. I see many faces here in the trees. And the leaves are like a sea of earth crashing against their stumps. I can hear the divine more clearly here. It is quiet. All the unrest of the City has left me. I can hear my own thoughts, finally. I can feel my feelings, I can dream my dreams. I feel magic. I feel called. I make magic. I make myself anew. I feel myself feeling more and it finally feels real. And yet this is not the place for me to stay. Neither is the City. I am being called toward untouched forests, rich fruitful earth, fresh salty ocean water, clean clear mountain lakes, luminescent clouds, so many stars they crowd the sky, sun burnt stones, red clay river banks, the songs of birds and the expansive silence in which my precious divine reveals itself. I want to streak my face with mud, run barefoot over rocks and paths, become the great mother and take unto me the sun, my husband. I long to discard my symbols of status, privilege, achievement, and ambition. I long for silence and sit in repose with my equal. I long to wear the gems which my mother bestows to me from the earth, to run free and wild like a wolf, wind rustling my fur, the moon causing a shimmer across my silver coat.
"thirty-three"
Speak to me in a language I can hear
Humour me before I have to go
Deep in thought I forgive everyone
As the cluttered streets greet me once again
I know I can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
Tomorrow's just an excuse away
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
The earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
At the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
Steeple guide me to my heart and home
The sun is out and up and down again
I know I'll make it, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
And you can make it last, forever you
Can make it last, forever you
Can make it last
And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
I've journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies I'm ready to return
I'll make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrow's just an excuse, tomorrow's just and excuse
And you can make it last, forever you
Can make it last, forever you
Can make it last, forever you,
Forever you
Humour me before I have to go
Deep in thought I forgive everyone
As the cluttered streets greet me once again
I know I can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
Tomorrow's just an excuse away
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
The earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
At the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
Steeple guide me to my heart and home
The sun is out and up and down again
I know I'll make it, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
And you can make it last, forever you
Can make it last, forever you
Can make it last
And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
I've journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies I'm ready to return
I'll make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrow's just an excuse, tomorrow's just and excuse
And you can make it last, forever you
Can make it last, forever you
Can make it last, forever you,
Forever you
Friday, January 2, 2009
13 years go by...
I didn't see this coming. Not until it was already staring me in the eyes. By the time I felt the truth of the matter stirring in my gut, I was too enthralled to look away, to deny it. As simple as it should be, this truth refuses to be easy. It has no mercy for the feelings of others. It has already trampled on some. Now here I am, here we are, but my time is brief before I'll be where I would rather not, where you are not. But the truth can still reach me there. And that is where we must find our suffering together.
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