Musings on the root of personal beliefs

You are a thirteen-year-old girl. You don't believe in God, but you believe in music. You believe in it because it soothes your pain. Your little teenage heart was broken because you were abandoned, stranded in emotional exile by those who professed nothing but love for you.

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How can I explain to you that all of the pain and beauty of existence begins and ends in every moment?

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I am a woman and I am a man.
Divinity exists within me and could not exist without me.

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My own path to spiritual awakening

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I found my spirit in the blanketing glow of moonlight in my middle school bedroom
In the rustling of leaves in the trees at a state park
In the warm flickering of a single votive

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I am a solitary practitioner

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Crying to the moon.
Listening to the leaves.
Reading the streaks of shooting stars under the skies of Napa Valley
Dwarfed by the fairy tale fjords of Norway

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When I think of my spirituality I think of tears and blood, moonlight and crashing waves, fjords and mountains and luminescent clouds in Norway, eating mushrooms and asking for rain to play in and getting it, synchronicity, dreams with foresight, shooting stars and the beating of bats wings, LSD on Long Island and the sky filling my mind, transcending space and time and life and death and worry, visions of a past life in the sediment of my cup of tea, chaos and freedom and purposeful puposelessness, no coincidences, understanding, compassion, silence, chemistry, wordless prayer.

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Lots and lots of tears have aroused the divine in me.

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Nothing has to be perfect but sometimes it is.

when i awoke i was struck with awe that there was a new day

I am moving on Thursday. I found a new apartment in a different neighborhood. I have lived in many different neighborhoods in this city. I have moved eight times, perhaps. It is not easy or cheap, and doing it by yourself is miserable. Fortunately, I have had help, and though I've lived in shitty places, I've lived in very unique and diverse places. There is no end to where anyone may end up in this city, let alone the world.

The word "entropy" is derived from the Greek εντροπία "a turning toward" (εν- "in" + τροπή "a turning"), and is symbolized by S in physics.?-wikipedia memorized this term in AP Chemistry my senior year of high school, and I have been fascinated by it ever since. It had a profound impact on my system of belief. Chemical theory was always very fascinating to me. I'm also really fascinated by cosmology. The mere fact that at any given moment, the whole universe is out there happening at the very same time. Add to that the possibility of other dimensions. Endlessness infinitude. O. I'm taking a course next semester on science and religion. It is being taught "in tandem" by two professors. David Morgan, Physics; Michael Pettinger, comparative literature and languages. I go to a pretty small private school in the middle of Greenwich Village. I'm getting a really interesting education but I don't really know if it will get me a "real" job. My education makes me not want a "real" job. I've given some thought to non-profit. That seems to be the default sector of the alumni from my school.

Do you ever challenge cars when you cross the street? Sometimes I do. I am a very aggressive pedestrian. Sometimes I do it very smoothly and skillfully, but some days I'm not 100 percent and I end up bumping into people, cutting them off, bumping into stuff, tripping, dropping stuff... generally klutzing it up. It's on those days I feel like my timing is off, like I'm moving at a different pace than the rest of the world and it makes it difficult for me to harmonize with my environment. However, there are some days when everything is so unified it's like the whole day was orchestrated to work in my favor. One day I was sitting in a cafe on University eating a late breakfast and reading a novel. I use a queen of spades I found somewhere as a bookmark. When the waiter brought me my food, he remarked that it is supposedly an unlucky card. My reply was, "I don't believe in bad luck." I really like the look of the card, and it makes a sturdy bookmark.

I'm pretty sure my family is convinced I am a total whack job. Or, maybe I'm convinced they're convinced because I'm convinced. I have definitely said things before that could be used against me in the event my loved ones tried to have me committed. However, the fact that they haven't yet is a good indication they never will. Unless I get more whacked out... which isn't impossible. (And you have yet another example of something that could be used to discredit my sanity when I'm committed.) I just like pointing out the different ways there are of interpreting one thing. I am particularly fond of turning ambiguous phrasing into inuendo. Especially by tagging on, "That's what she said." I have a very juvenile sense of humor.

I am currently reading "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman by theoretical physicist Richard P. Feynman. It is about his adventures in life learning, teaching, working on the Manhattan Project, winning the Nobel Prize, and making lots of mischief. It's a very straightforward story, heartfelt, honest account of Feyman's adventures. I'm about 4/5 done, and I don't know anything about him besides what I've read, so I'm anticipating finishing it. I will let you know how it goes. I haven't decided what to read next but I have a lot of books and plenty of time to read before I go back to school. I don't really have much going on.

I have been having a really good time of life lately, having adventures of body, mind, and spirit. Not many adventures of heart, though; there just isn't time, yet. I'm in no hurry.