Respite

While I was Indianapolis I was fortunate enough to come to several conclusions about the present situation of my life, and the dissatisfactions I have been struggling with for the past year.

First, that I need to live in a more natural setting. I need trees, big skies, water, and quiet so that I can think and feel clearly. I need these things for spiritual fulfillment. This lead me to my second conclusion: that I need to leave New York once I graduate. I have been chronically unhappy for the past year, and until I returned to Indianapolis, I couldn't figure out why. I changed my concentration, I moved around a few times, I struggled for a meaningful relationship, I took psychedelics and traveled through the stars... all to no avail. My depression and loneliness persisted. But after a few days at home, my mind had quieted and my spirit had calmed, and suddenly I could hear my thoughts and feel my feelings. The source of my unhappiness had nothing to do with the circumstances of my life in New York, but directly to do with the fact that I live in New York. The sense of uprootedness and alienation I felt was a consequence not of my inability to connect with others, but rather of the general disconnectedness inherent to living in this city. Alienation from others, from nature, and from myself had plagued me for months and months, and I convinced myself I was responsible. But being surrounded by trees, calm and quiet, seeing large skies with breathtaking clouds, I finally understood what was missing from my life New York could never grant me.

My third conclusion had indirectly to do with the others. After accepting the previous two facts, suddenly an opportunity presented itself. I ran into a man who I had not seen since we were children. Our siblings had been friends as long as we could remember, but time and circumstance had kept us out of each others lives for thirteen years. On New Year's Eve we reconnected, and spent the next four days savoring each others company while we had the chance. Never had a man looked at me in such a way. Never had a man's touched ignited such a powerful fire beneath my skin. Never had a man's kiss weakened me so much. Never had a man held me so close and spoken freely of his feelings to me. On the fourth day we had to say goodbye because I was leaving Indianapolis for New York. Never had I been so reluctant to go, so loathe to return to New York. We made assurances to keep in touch, whispered how we would miss one another, savored our final kisses and the warmth of each others eyes. And then I was gone.

Of course, we made no commitments to each other. Such a thing would be unfair to ask of either of us. Still, I can say the experience was valuable for one very important reason. In all of my failed romantic endeavors, I had always wondered what it would feel like to be treated the way I deserved... with adoration, respect, curiosity, and mutuality. As a being rather than an object. And I can safely say I now know that feeling, the ease and comfort that accompanies it. Over and over again I have wasted my time rationalizing my hesitations and ignoring my better judgment for the mere sake of attention and affection. And I was always left feeling foolish and undesired. No longer do I feel it necessary to spend my time always questioning a man's intentions, questioning my own interest in him, questioning always questioning, is this what it's supposed to be like? No. It's not.

So maybe our connection was real enough that it can endure the distance of our separation. There is a very real chance he will visit me here in Brooklyn in the spring. However, if it proves to have been a fleeting thing, as amazing as it was, I am still left with the fact of what we had. And I am willing to wait until I meet another man who stares at me with the same warmth and gentleness, whose gaze alone makes my stomach flip, whose touch electrifies my skin, whose kiss turns me to rubber, whose eyes meet mine and are not afraid or withholding. A man who is not afraid of his feelings, who has courage and confidence. I have received one of the most valuable lessons of my life, which will not soon leave me.



Lastly, I came to a conclusion after I returned to New York which follows from my decision to leave the city after graduation. I have reconnected with my desire to spend my life surrounded by books. I have long had an intuitive attraction to antique books and aged texts. I have long said that all I need to be happy are books, good company, and nature. So, I am getting serious about the idea of becoming a literary archivists. I have not done any research yet, but inevitably I would have to get a masters in library science. Yes, that's right. I am almost entirely certain that I will become a librarian. For the first time in my life I can foresee a future with a career, and it does not terrify me. And I can pursue it practically anywhere. The relief is intoxicating.