Old Patterns

Why is it that the men most available to me are usually those who are the least available? Girlfriends are always there. Girlfriends I've met, and whose company I enjoy.

Why are they the ones who kiss me in the cab and follow me to my door? Even when I ask, "Do you have to go home?" the implicit meaning being, "Shouldn't you go home to your girlfriend, who is no doubt expecting you?" And of course, his answer is, "It's up to you." Well, no, it really isn't. I have no obligations in this situation. Well, I do. My obligation is to say, "I don't think this is a good idea. Perhaps you should go home to your girlfriend." But I don't. Why? Because I like the attention. Even moreso because it is coming from an unobtainable man. I don't do it on purpose. But I see the look in their eye, the spark of sexual attraction. So I let it go as far as it can. I tell myself, "This is just how men are." Ugh. What a crock. This is how shit men are.

Still, he came to his senses. To my relief.

I had unlocked my front door. The reality staring him in the face.

"I shouldn't do this," he says. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand."

"I'm sorry," he repeats between kissing my mouth. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand."

I really do. I'd rather you go. This isn't what I pictured for this night. This isn't what I want, either. To be the seductress, again. The temptation. I'm not even wearing makeup. I'm wearing dirty clothes. How does this happen? When I was unlocking the door, all I could think was, where are the condoms? Will this be sloppy? Will I even enjoy it? These aren't the kind of doubts that preface a good decision.

I walk in the door alone. Into the darkness. I don't even turn to see him walk down the stairs. Just go and be gone. It was fun making out. See you around. Hope it isn't awkward. I hope next time you go home with your girlfriend. Or do I?