Same Same But Different

[A bit of free writing from my journal, just a few hours old]

It is my second day back in New York, but it almost feels like I never left. Of course, time went on in New York in my absence, but it still feels like nothing has changed but me. Being on the morning rush hour train didn't feel quite as crowded or dirty as it used to. I feel quite underwhelmed by this city now, and I miss Dharamsala with every atom. I had lunch with Andy this afternoon and he said he's never seen me looking so great, that my aura has been revitalized. I went to the Rubin Museum after lunch and walked around, saw statues and thangkas and other artifacts. It was a small comfort, but not too impressive after having been in India and seeing what the temples had on display. Right now I'm sitting at the flagpole in Union Square killing time until I can pick up my photos I had developed this morning. I've never felt so heartsick in all my life. There is a heaviness weighin on my chest that is beyond my capacity to express. I can try to explain to my friends how I feel, but I think they're probably mostly baffled by it. I feel like I've abandoned a lover. I'm not interested in anyone or anything I see. Everything here seems so vapid; the merchandise, the fashion, the conversation. And I ran into Michael at the Bean this morning. I was telling him how amazing the trip was and how much I loved it; he said he would have to put the pressure on so I get my senior work done. It didn't seem like the right time to tell him I no longer want him to be my advisor. But if I intend to pursue graduate work in Tibetan studies, and I do, then it seems like a waste of time to write about anything else. So I'm going to do what I have to do and hopefully the school will cooperate with me. I also briefly mentioned to Grandma my intention to move to Dharamsala once I finish college, and she said how she thinks I should do Birth Right before I get too old to. It was kind of random, but even if I spend a year in Dharamsala I'll still have enough time afterwards to still do Birth Right. I am so drained right now, physically and emotionally. The time difference is kicking my ass. It's already 3:30 am in India, and my body feels it, too. I really just want to go back to the apartment and rest, but I have to wait another hour for my photos. I could wait until tomorrow but I'm already here and one more hour won't kill me, though I really wish I could go somewhere to lie down. But if I did, I would run the risk of falling asleep for hours. My ass is numb from sitting on this stone and I'm so tired of sitting in cafes and paying too much for tea just because I want somewhere to sit for an hour or two, but I'm too tired to walk around, and browsing in stores seems pointless. I have nothing else to do but just wait. Interestingly enough, without even noticing, I sat directly on top of the Indiana stone around the flagpole. I miss Tibetans.

I am in a fucking bardo state. I just want to go back to where I feel at home!