Conversations with DJ: Ass Wendesday Installment

Me (7:31:49 PM): happy ash wednesday

d J (7:31:55 PM): thanks

Me (7:32:25 PM): what is it about? do you know?

d J (7:32:37 PM): it's like

d J (7:32:44 PM): catholics go to their cathogogue

d J (7:33:00 PM): and a child molester smears burnt toast on their forehead

d J (7:33:19 PM): which protects them from evil wizards and walrus ninjas

Me (7:33:40 PM): how did the tradition originate?

d J (7:34:08 PM): then they walk around all day with the burnt on their foreheads, so that all the wizards and walrus ninjas can see that they are not to be reckoned with, all "what now bitch? yeah that's what I thought"

d J (7:34:14 PM): interesting you should ask that, S

d J (7:34:39 PM): it originated in 1972, the year that Rock attained perfection

d J (7:34:53 PM): it was a crazy time, with vietnam war protests

d J (7:35:03 PM): everyone was doing acid and pcp

d J (7:35:55 PM): one day the leader of the hippies, Bobby Jindal, was just standing around and he passed the fuck out, face first into a pile of burnt toast

d J (7:36:39 PM): when he stood up, every woman, and 90% of the men in attendance were inexplicably sexually attracted to his forehead

d J (7:36:46 PM): it was the biggest bukkake the world ever saw

d J (7:37:16 PM): Bobby Jindal's forehead was gangraped for nine solid months before his family reported him missing

d J (7:38:18 PM): when they found him, half dead in a kiddie pool up to his lower lip in smegma, his devoutly religious parents demanded to know what he had been up to

d J (7:38:44 PM): he said that he had been visited in a dream by Dr. Phil

d J (7:39:15 PM): who told him that every Wednesday after mardi gras was henceforth "Ass Wednesday," The Great Feast of Gettin' It On

d J (7:39:41 PM): and that he was hitherto St. Bobby, The Patron Saint of The Horontal Mambo

d J (7:39:58 PM): but Bobby was tripping on peyote at the time

d J (7:40:05 PM): and he pronounced "Ass" as "Ash"

d J (7:40:26 PM): and he had all that ash on his forehead and nobody believed that he had actually gotten laid anyway, so Occam's razor pointed to Ash Wednesday

d J (7:40:49 PM): then everybody went to Ruby Tuesday's and got shrimp Poppers. The End!

Me (7:40:58 PM): wowzers!
d J (7:41:44 PM): true story

Conversations with DJ, the third

Me (5:18:19 PM): should i drink a hard cider or a pale ale?

d J (5:18:43 PM): hmm

d J (5:18:48 PM): hows that ole sea shanty go?

d J (5:18:57 PM): cider before ale, barf in a pail

d J (5:19:05 PM): ale before cider, legs open wider

d J (5:19:11 PM): do you want to vomit or be date raped?

Me (5:19:18 PM): can i have both?

Conversations with DJ, the Text Message Edition

310******* I'm bored what are you doing?
317******* Sodomizing dead babies. It's all the rage in ny.
310******* Them babies ain't gonna rape themselves
317******* I know it.
310******* I have been boning my new gf indiscriminately. i boned her 8 times the other day!
317******* You stud.
310******* I know. My balls hurt.
317******* They're sapped.
310******* They've colored the walls
317******* Ew
310******* Offwhite, that is
317******* I got that
310******* It was glorious. Like the fountains at the bellagio.
317******* How does Riry* feel about all this?
310******* She likes to watch. She gets in the way.
317******* She's jealous.
310******* Jearous.
317******* I'm gonna blog this when I get home tonight.

*Riry: DJ's dog, Lily.

more nuggets of wisdom from DJ

DJ (6:51:58 PM): there's a dali museum near tampa

DJ (6:52:00 PM): it is pretty badass

DJ (6:52:11 PM): too bad it is in tampa

bibliophile (6:53:04 PM): yeah, the persistence of memory was on loan to them for a while but now it's back at the moma for this new exhibit

DJ (6:54:55 PM): dude

DJ (6:55:00 PM): the clocks

DJ (6:55:03 PM): they're fucking melted

DJ (6:55:20 PM): his art is what i imagine it would be like to be on peyote

bibliophile (6:55:31 PM): yeah, and most of the time he was completely sober

DJ (6:55:33 PM): they all look like they're out in the desert

DJ (6:55:49 PM): i associate peyote with the desert for some reason

DJ (6:55:58 PM): like it needs to be enjoyed in arizona, or maybe eastern nevada

bibliophile (6:56:58 PM): well, i associate peyote with the desert because it's a cactus

bibliophile (6:57:19 PM): http://www.moma.org/exhibitions/exhibitions.php?id=5633

DJ (6:59:26 PM): dude my grandpa has like infinity of those in his garage

bibliophile (6:59:54 PM): cacti?

DJ (7:00:10 PM): paintings of cacti

bibliophile (7:00:16 PM): oh, haha

DJ (7:00:18 PM): do you know what the hbi is

bibliophile (7:02:04 PM): HeBrewIs?

DJ (7:02:14 PM): hmm, no

DJ (7:02:19 PM): it stands for Hot Beef Injection

bibliophile (7:02:23 PM): haha

DJ (7:03:05 PM): anyway we taught it to my uptight friend allison

bibliophile (7:03:28 PM): mhmm

DJ (7:04:19 PM): and every week or so, either me or george will leave a cryptic message on her wall

DJ (7:04:36 PM): DJ wrote
at 8:11pm on May 29th, 2008
Have bebeh inya?

DJ (7:04:44 PM): DJ wrote
at 11:59pm on June 11th, 2008
any new HobBIes?

DJ (7:04:53 PM): but i am proud of my most recent opus

DJ (7:05:02 PM): DJ wrote
at 6:59pm
Hey! Boy, I have big issues here, but I have boldly insisted he buy it. How 'bout it?

DJ (7:05:08 PM): the best part is, she is probably flipping out

Conversations with DJ, the first installment

Although the subject is new, we usually talk about equally irrelevant topic as you are about to read, and often they are offensive to anyone with delicate sensibilities.

DJ (4:55:51 PM): bong

bibliophile (4:56:00 PM): bing

---

Auto Response from DJ (4:56:00 PM): sleepx0rz

---

DJ (4:56:04 PM): bang

bibliophile (4:56:48 PM): beng

DJ (4:57:01 PM): i dont think that is a word

DJ (4:57:05 PM): simons 5, dayan 0

bibliophile (4:57:27 PM): it wasn't supposed to be, so i'm taking that point back

DJ (4:57:35 PM): fine with me

DJ (4:57:38 PM): simons 5, dayan -1

bibliophile (4:57:38 PM): but it probably is a word in some crazy foreign language

DJ (4:57:47 PM): it sounds vietnamese to me

bibliophile (4:58:45 PM): i feel if it were vietnamese it would be spelled bengh

bibliophile (4:58:53 PM): because there are hella h's in their language

DJ (4:59:06 PM): oh yeah

DJ (4:59:10 PM): theyre all named pham

DJ (4:59:19 PM): although phnom penh is in cambodia

DJ (4:59:32 PM): the h in phnos isnt even pronounced

DJ (4:59:39 PM): it isnt "fnom" it's "p'nom"

DJ (4:59:50 PM): h is the most useless fucking letter

DJ (5:00:09 PM): it barely ever makes a sound and when it does it sounds like a really old dog trying to jump on the couch

bibliophile (5:02:33 PM): haha

bibliophile (5:03:06 PM): i don't like h when it begins a word, like historical, because if you have to use "an" instead of "a"

bibliophile (5:03:15 PM): i'm like, uh, i don't think so, h is not a vowel

DJ (5:03:45 PM): yeah, it just feels vaguely, yet inexplicably guilty, like i did when i could see that preschool from the shower

DJ (5:04:27 PM): i remember in my 6th grade history class, there was a poster of george bush sr. and the word to a speech he had given, and it contained "an historic" and i remember decideing then and there that i hated him

bibliophile (5:04:44 PM): haha

bibliophile (5:04:50 PM): awesome

DJ (5:05:23 PM): H kind of is a vowel though

DJ (5:05:30 PM): it's definitely the vowelliest of the consonants

DJ (5:05:37 PM): except for maybe W

DJ (5:05:49 PM): W is quite light in the loafers

DJ (5:05:56 PM): W is the sean hayes of consonants

bibliophile (5:06:03 PM): hahaha

DJ (5:06:03 PM): and H is the tom cruise

DJ (5:06:57 PM): and X is the morgan freeman

DJ (5:07:22 PM): because even though few words begin with X, those that do usually get pronounced like "exavier"

bibliophile (5:08:05 PM): hm

bibliophile (5:08:10 PM): what letter is samuel l jackson?

DJ (5:08:23 PM): R

DJ (5:08:29 PM): i think we both know why.

DJ (5:08:44 PM): or maybe K

bibliophile (5:10:27 PM): i'm not satisfied with either of those

DJ (5:10:48 PM): hmmmm

DJ (5:10:57 PM): i was trying to allude to a gigantic wiener

DJ (5:11:05 PM): those the the only letters with danglies

bibliophile (5:11:13 PM): what about J

DJ (5:11:16 PM): hmmmm

bibliophile (5:11:18 PM): it's all dangly

DJ (5:11:24 PM): nah hits too close to home, it's half my name

bibliophile (5:11:39 PM): what's your middle name?

DJ (5:12:12 PM): jacob

DJ (5:12:26 PM): i was named after my frenchie grandpa, jacques

DJ (5:12:32 PM): who was actually dutch

DJ (5:12:40 PM): but he was still a frenchie

DJ (5:12:57 PM): the daniel came from the dan in rocky raccoon

bibliophile (5:13:10 PM): seriously?

DJ (5:13:28 PM): yep

DJ(5:13:35 PM): my dad thought it sounded badass

DJ (5:13:39 PM): and he was partially right